Monday, March 5, 2018

Full Circle

It's official that I'm really, really bad at keeping up with this blog.

Here is a snapshot of what has happened since:
- Our 6th and final IVF cycle was a success
- Grayson was born 10/24/16
- Post-partum hemorrhage 11/16 (Very aggressive D&C procedure, 2+ liters of blood lost, uterine lining damaged)

Unfortunately, I've continued to have complications since the hemorrhage.  I was seen throughout 2017 and even had a few ER visits.  But, in Jan 2018, my OB performed a surgery to remove the uterine scar tissue and abnormal growths.  I felt fantastic for 2 weeks following, then it all came back.  The headaches, nausea, back pain, cramps.  The symptoms worsened, so they scheduled me for another appointment, which was last Friday, March 2.  I was devastated when the scans showed the scar tissue came back in 6 short weeks and was now much worse.  My cervix was blocked.  There was no usual triangle shape in the ultrasound of my uterus.  Just a shadow filled with what looked like spiderwebs.  Estrogen therapy in Jan/Feb was unsuccessful in rebuilding my lining and it was irreparable.  Because of this, future surgeries like the one I had in January would be pointless.

So, on March 20th, I am having a robotic hysterectomy.

2 weeks.

It's hard for me to even type.  After my appointment, I was too upset to drive, so I pulled over at the nearest shopping area.  I walked the aisles of Marshalls for almost 2 hours.  Basically in shock.

I'm only 32.

I really struggled this weekend with the emotions surrounding this surgery.  I couldn't sleep and when I did doze off, my dreams were of me on the operating table.  I believe in a God who has carried me through a heart wrenching IVF journey and two life-threatening births.   He has written a story for me - so beautiful and so raw.

But, it still hurts.

When I logged in to make this blog post, it hit me how full circle my journey has come.  I started this blog when we were brand new to IVF cycles, praying desperately for a baby.  We got two.  Our road wasn't easy and it was filled with a lot of loss.  But, I have two amazing little boys who call me mama.  Now, I am writing one of the last entries and it's to describe the procedure that will take away my ability to ever carry another child.  God works in such mysterious ways.  Grayson was our very last embryo and he came into our world in October 2016.  Although we didn't necessarily have plans to go through IVF again, it's the the sting of knowing it will be a completely shut door.

I spoke to a dear friend this weekend and told her I felt like I was in mourning.  Emotions that were really unfamiliar to me.  Thank God for her presence in my life because she put into words exactly what I'm feeling:

"In a way, that is a death.  Death to a dream, a hope, a desire."

Absolutely, yes.

The kindness I've felt over the past several days has carried me when I wanted to fall apart.  I did really well until Sunday morning, in one of the last worship songs.  When we got to my favorite lines of the song --- "....When I cannot stand, I'll fall on you.  Jesus, You're my hope and stay", the ugly crying started.  I know God will see us through this.  He does over and over again.  I am so blessed - no matter my current circumstances.  It's so overwhelming when I remember the days that I prayed for what I have now.

Your prayers for March 20th - both for safety and peace - would be so appreciated.  The surgery will be at MCR in Loveland, CO.  I'll stay there 1-2 nights, if all goes well.  I won't be able to lift Grayson for 8 weeks, so keep my boys in your prayers, in case they have a tough time with what's going on.  Also, big prayers for Jake as he balances his CF therapies and handling the boys on his own while I have restrictions.

I love you and am so grateful you're in my life.

All my love,
Amy