Please Don't Tell Me

A blog is a beautiful thing.  No one can tell me what to write about, what to feel or how often I post.

See, I've gone in spurts since I started this thing.  But, when we started this last cycle, I made a promise to myself and close family to use this as the place to be consistent in posting updates.  Social media can be a blessing and a curse.  I chose to use it in a positive way to keep our families connected across the miles as we dove head first into trying to grow our family.

3 days have passed since we got the phone call our cycle failed.  I was actually napping on the couch when the call came, so the nurse spilled the news to Jake.  God really knew what what he was doing when he paired us up.   He's the solid, clear-headed realist.  I'm the emotional, over-thinking optimist.  We balance each other out really well.  Times like this make me wish I had more of my husband's qualities though.  I wish I was as strong as he is.

This isn't our first rodeo.  Out of 5 cycles, only 1 of them has given us a full-term pregnancy.  This one hurt more than the rest.  Our RE gives restrictions on lifting and exercise during the later part of the cycle.  So, when I couldn't lift Gavin, I told him it was because we were trying to get a baby for our family.  He has been really interested in babies for the last 6 months or so.  He comprehended the news much easier than I expected.  His excitement melted my heart.  He would kiss my belly morning and night...even a few sporadic ones during the day.  He wasn't kissing me.  He was kissing the baby, at least the idea of it.  I'll admit.  I was really, really confident this time around.  Not so much that I purchased baby things, but I did have a secret Pinterest board titled "Praying and Dreaming for Baby #2".  I've been beating myself up about getting too cocky and really thinking it was going to work.  But, then I try to visualize how this cycle would have been if I had not had a positive outlook those 6 weeks.  Would I have dreaded every shot, thinking they were a waste of time?  Instead, I weirdly looked forward to them.  I would turn on a Pretty Little Liars YouTube video.  You know, thinking I could also solve the "A" mystery while I'm getting an injection.  Talk about an overachiever.  Jake has always been awesome at the shots.  So, they were a breeze.  I didn't have a countdown to the last shot.  I was anticipating them, because it meant I was either still on the way to getting pregnant or god willing was on them long enough to mean we were expecting a little one.

I've been very open this time around.  I've welcomed any and all questions.  With this candor, it also welcomes unwanted comments.  With lots of love in my heart, please don't tell me these things....

Please don't tell me --- "Maybe you just weren't ready."

• I'm healthy.  I eat well & work out.  All of my tests checked out fine. We knew CF was the culprit of needing to go the IVF route.  We are Christ followers.  Jake has a great job.  We have a child, even a spoiled rotten dog.  We are financially stable.  We are ready.  

Please don't tell me -- "Just relax."

• If you know me at all, I'm about as lax as they come.  I'm the anti-planner of the family.  I took full advantage of bed rest.  I indulged in weekly acupuncture.  I'm not against Netflix binges.  I know how to relax.  I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard this.  It would've funded this cycle.

Please don't tell me -- "I went to the Dr thinking I had the flu, but in fact I was pregnant."

• Honestly, I have no idea how this could be helpful or uplifting.  I'm speechless on this one.  

Please don't tell me -- "Kids are expensive.  Enjoy just having one while you can."

• I have no sympathy for those who complain about the cost of diapers.  Our current total is over $50,000 paid out of pocket at the chance to have a baby.  Out of that we have our sweet Gavin and I'd pay it all over again to have another one.  But, come on -- a $30 box of diapers isn't even in the ball park.  

Please don't tell me -- "At least you have each other."

• This is true.  I couldn't have made it without Jake and Gavin.  They keep me smiling and laughing.  But, it doesn't take away the hurt in our hearts.  

Please don't tell me -- "It just wasn't meant to be."  

• I believe God's timing is perfect.  But, only He knows what that timing is.  No one on earth knows what is or isn't meant to be.  Each cycle is draining physically, emotionally, financially and to be blunt, spiritually.  It is difficult to keep focused on the prize and not get discouraged along the way.  If I let the thought that it wasn't meant to be creep into my mind, it would be hard to give another cycle a try.  

Please don't tell me -- "You wouldn't have wanted a toddler & newborn to take care of."

• Try me.  It's all I want.  The cycle takes around 60 days, plus each time it fails I have to take a couple months break.  So, had this cycle been successful, Gavin would have been rounding the corner to 4 years old when a baby was born.  We don't know what the future holds for our family.  We don't have a plan for when we'll try again.  So, you may be right after all.  I may not even get the chance to have a toddler & newborn at the same time.

I know it will get easier as the days pass.  It has since Friday.  Comments will start not bothering me as much.  But, I do know that it's the perfect time for me to evaluate my commitments, cut unnecessary ones and those that cause hurt.  I say this after every unsuccessful cycle, but it's time to regroup and focus on me and my family.   We have trips in the works and house projects planned.  

Despite all of these crazy comments, we've been flooded with love and uplifting messages.  You guys have held us up these last few days.  "Thank you" doesn't even begin to express our gratitude.  

All our love,

Amy, Jake & G-Man